I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
