just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
