I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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