my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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