I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
