cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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