i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
