The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
