I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
