How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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