I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
