My friends, they love my intelligence
I think I won the penis lottery.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
