could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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