Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
