In America we eat man semen.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
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He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize