You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
