We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
