Someone shit on the floor
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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