so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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