i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
