I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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