NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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