How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
