if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
