Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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