dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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