That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
