I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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