well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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