in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
