so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
