Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
