so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
