She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
