Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
