We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
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I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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