my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
