Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
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They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
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He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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