I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
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Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
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I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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