We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
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wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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