my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
