Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
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She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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