So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
