I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
