I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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