Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
