i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she told me i tasted like america
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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