The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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