we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
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At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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