In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
