Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
