we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
