Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
