life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
