mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
