just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Are we still banned from the library?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
